Tonight I was educated by an ITV television programme. Yep, you read that right. An ITV television programme actually gave me some useful information. I never thought that would happen to me. Let me enlighten you with some interesting details concerning our coalition government's latest exciting idea.
Our beloved leaders have thunk long and hard, and decided in their collective wisdom that the Forensic Science Service has become too expensive to run. So, come next year, it will be closed. It's ok, though, they have a Plan B. Let me describe it to you. You might want to sit down and strap in.
Instead of independent laboratories and finely trained forensic scientists working with DNA found at crime scenes, the government would like forensic science businesses to take over the work - and the police to have their own DNA laboratories. Students at universities can have a bash at it too, if they fancy it. Expenses down, everyone's a winner.
Except they're not.
A government minister justifying the mind-boggling decision insisted on referring to the identification of DNA at crime scenes as a "business", not once but several times. 10 out of 10 for creative thinking. I always thought it was a service. However, services don't create money, they are a money pit (the Royal Mail and the NHS are prime examples). So: rebrand the identification of DNA as a business and contract it out to the highest bidder. Businesses, however, are there to make money. There will be no centralised, independent examination of DNA, each business will develop their own techniques and keep them secret from their competitors. The science will fragment, the businesses' reputations will vary wildly.
And the police service's record at looking after DNA is not exactly squeaky clean (ironically). Certain forces seem to be quite good at flinging separate bits of evidence into the same tupperware box to be examined at a later date. Contamination, I believe it's called. And those are the genuine accidents. In the '60s and '70s, fit-ups of suspects were also quite common. Next year dodgy coppers with a grudge will be handed the tools for a signed and sealed fit-up on a plate. "The DNA was at the scene, m'lud - our suspect clearly committed the crime."
God bless the Tories. Every time I hear one of them speak it's like fingernails scraping down a blackboard.
