OVERHEARD IN A PUB

"...And she says that the windows in Carlisle are the cleanest of any town in the country!"

SUPERMODEL WITNESS AT WAR CRIMES TRIBUNAL

Yes, you read that right, folks.  I couldn't believe my blurry eyes when I took a squint at the news this morning over a cup of crappy coffee.  

"Supermodel Naomi Campbell testifying at war crimes tribunal at The Hague" proclaimed the banner headline.  What the..?!  She couldn't possibly have committed any war crimes...could she?  Or was her ego now so huge that she was the dictator of some tinpot little country far far away, imprisoning people for crimes against fashion? I decided I must be in the throes of some hypnopompic hallucination and swore to watch on until my cat spoke actual words to me, then I would know I needed to wake up.

The actual events were slowly revealed.  Backwards.  First of all, Naomi testified that she had been in receipt of "dirty rocks".  She received dirty rocks?! Had she been in the company of some leering porn star who was known for his insanitary habits?  No: two mysterious strangers had knocked on her door in the middle of the night proffering a bag of "pebbles" (I presume this was Ms.Campbell's slang for diamonds), which she accepted.

The testimony hinged on the fact that the judge(s) at The Hague wanted to know where these diamonds had come from.  Had they come from the Liberian dictator and champion grudge holder Charles Taylor? who apparently managed to escape prison in the U.S. by sawing through the bars of  his jail cell and nipping back to Liberia where he had a score to settle with Master Sergeant Samuel Doe, his former boss.  Ms.Campbell couldn't say for certain.  She "presumed so". *

I am not sure what the purpose of this testimony was.  If it was to prove that Charles Taylor had his hands on blood diamonds, it didn't really achieve anything, since "presuming" something is not the same as "knowing" something.  However, Ms.Campbell did drop Nelson Mandela - famous black activist and icon for freedom and equality - right in it, since it was at his dinner party that she met Charles Taylor.  Oops.

I had decided that maybe she had inserted herself into the trial at The Hague because she needed the attention, but sources say that Naomi Campbell was summoned to The Hague.  It must be like receiving a summons from the headmistress for hanging  around the wrong type of people at school.  Do war crimes trials really need this type of publicity?  As long as Geri Halliwell doesn't make an appearance in the near future, we'll probably be ok.

*In an interview on one occasion it was put to Charles Taylor that some people thought he was little better than a murderer.  He quickly - and illogically - shot back: "Jesus Christ was accused of being a murderer in his time". 

POISON APHRODISIAC

The biggest news this Sunday is that a man in South Africa has decided to poison the horns of the rhinos that he is responsible for so that poachers will think twice about killing them for their alleged horny aphrodisiac properties.  The poaching of animals is fairly routine in this area, mainly due to two factors: poverty and greed.

When I was attending Animal College  - with lofty ideas of being able to protect other furry/woolly sentient beings with one wave of a certificate - the theory was being put about that it would be a good thing to breed endangered white rhinoceroses in South Africa and up their numbers so that hunters would pay to shoot them.  Very imaginative.  It would kill two birds with one stone, as it were: get a breed of animal off the endangered register and make money from the people who enjoyed killing.  I could never get it off my mind that this was somehow bizarre, like the argument in Britain that certain breeds of cows, sheep and pigs which would otherwise be extinct could be bred for meat, thereby keeping the gene pool alive.  I suppose it would be fair enough if they were tastier than other breeds, otherwise: what is the point?  I find it quite distasteful, and representative of the usual arrogance of the human race: "Look, these animals wouldn't be alive if it weren't for us, aren't we benevolent and clever?"

There is also the argument that it is only the good-looking, fluffy breeds of animal that people are interested in saving.  This is an observable truth: look at the many campaigns for saving tigers.  The biggest argument against global warming for a large part of the population is that polar bears will have nowhere to live. They will have to rock backwards and forwards in zoos, their furry coats going ever-so-slightly yellow.  Imagine the cost of the giant freezers if they had to live in safari parks...  If ever the Great White Shark dwindles in numbers I cannot imagine anyone ever donating to a whip-round, except possibly dispossessed Bond villains who would like to rehome one in their private mansion.

In conclusion, the latest information from South Africa is that to avoid rhinos being hunted by poachers or tourists with wallets full of cash and guns bulging with bullets is that their horns will be poisoned in the hope that belief in their mythical aphrodisiac properties will wane.

So education isn't working then.