Desperate

OK. Now. A desperate headline from the desperate Keighley News this Friday: "Call For Facebook to be Banned Over Bullying". Or something like that.

Now. I'm not a horrible person. People get bullied. I myself got "picked on", although I pronounced it "bullied" for a long time. Someone used to wait for me before I turned the last corner to get to my house and say really horrible things to me. Last time I saw her spiteful Chav face was about 12 years ago when she worked at a petrol station for, like, a week, before she moved counties to avoid her violent boyfriend. Or something like that. I only saw her because now I had evolved, learned another skill and needed petrol.

Now, Facebook is a luxury and not a necessity. One has to be at least 13 - with parental discretion - before you are allowed on Facebook. This child was "10 or 11".

At "10 or 11" you can be bullied for breathing out at the wrong time. I know. But "cyberbullying" can be avoided at the touch of a button.

The first time someone is horrible to you, block them as a friend, or, if you're not that technical, delete your Facebook account. It's not that difficult.

Is it just me? What the hell is wrong with people?

MOST HAUNTED LIVE

(Sings)

"If I were not working in a shop

Something else I'd like to be

If I were not working in a shop

A Most Haunted audience member meeeee"

I would love to get chosen to go on a live vigil  (pronounced vijewel if you work for Most Haunted).  I would smuggle a large jug or something under my massive jumper and coats, lurk in the darkness and then wait for Yvette to "ask out" for the spirits to answer her.  Then I would boom into the jug:

"Yvette - this is God.  Just leave us all in peace for God's sake...We are dead.  We are not deaf..."

ANTI-SMOKING LEAFLET

I received a strange missive through the door from the government - I mean  the NHS - the other day:

"WHY USE TINFOIL AS A MIRROR?"  It proclaimed.

Erm, I don't, and I never have.  It has never occurred to me to use tinfoil as a mirror.  Ever. 

If one carries on reading, the flyer states that now is an ideal time to give up smoking and that a free kit will be sent out to you or a nominated friend or relative if you reply.

It is a bizarre statement for the NHS to be sending out to people.  What on earth do they mean?  "Why use tinfoil as a mirror?" Well, why use a hedgehog as toilet paper?  Why use a hippopotamus as a calculator?  It simply makes no sense to me.  Who are these people who are using tinfoil as mirrors?  Can they not afford to buy a mirror because they spend all their money on cigarettes?  Are they accusing me of making bongs?  Do they mean that when I look in the mirror I might aswell be looking into a piece of crinkly tinfoil because smoking ages the skin?  WHAAAAAAAAAT?  WHAT DO THEY MEAN?!?!?!?!

A flyer which might reach more people could read: "Why use tinfoil as a hat?"  There is a certain minority in society who truly believe that wearing a tinfoil hat protects one from aliens and/or CIA mind control.  What rubbish.  Everyone knows the CIA reaches your mind through your metal fillings.

A better way to protect yourself from mind control is to superglue your letterbox closed, which is what I might be doing from now on if the government persists in wasting the NHS's money by making them print and distribute these ridiculous leaflets.  

(I was tempted to send off for the free kit, but it probably just consists of a couple of sticking plasters to put over your mouth until the craving for nicotine subsides...)

AMANDA HOLDEN'S HEADLONG CHASE FOR ATTENTION

The Amanda Holden publicity machine was rolling again just before Christmas.  Not content with being a judge on Britain's Got Talent and having a top lip with a life of its own, she and some television producer did a Satanic deal whereby she would document the life of a midwife for a few weeks and broadcast it to those whose televisions are stuck on ITV1.

It would probably have been best for all concerned if she had done a voice-over for the programme and left it at that.  Someone thought it would be great if she actually did the job for 4/5 weeks to show the dribbling public what it's really like.  Apparently some of us have no imagination and need a celebrity in the midst before we choose to sit still and watch it.

Amanda was actually assigned a pregnant lady to look after, and found her labour very tiring indeed SINCE SHE'D RECENTLY  GOT OFF A TRANSATLANTIC FLIGHT.  That must have been reassuring for her patient.  If I was pregnant and the Amanda Holden publicity machine came waltzing into my hospital I would specifically demand she have nothing to do with me or my unborn.

Midwifery is a serious business.  They train for 2-5 years.  Women still die in childbirth if it is not handled correctly.  It is not something to be played at by people who just want some attention and a large fee.

It seems that recently Amanda's been doing some "stunts" with an American stuntwoman.  Let's have more of that, I say!  I leave it to you to write your own conclusion.  I know what I would like for the New Year...

"CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER 2010"

I am lost for words.  Really.  I am. 

What a complete and total waste of time and oxygen.

  
Perhaps the producers could do us all a favour - and seal all the doors and suck all the air out...

CHRISTMAS NEWS HIGHLIGHTS

Well, for me, the highlight of the news this Christmas had to be Pope Benedict XVI being attacked by a crazy lady.  The Pope with the eyes of a killer (that statement is the copyright of  Paul Merton) was attempting to celebrate Christmas Eve Mass when he was knocked to the ground.

The classic twist to this story is that the woman was known to Vatican officials, since she had attempted a similar attack last year.

Pope Benedict says he has forgiven the mentally disturbed woman.

So expect another attack same time next year folks.