MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE 2009

Just been checking out BBC3's review of the year - which contained a nice round up of the tabloid year, particularly if you read The Daily Star.  (You don't actually have to read to be able to digest that spewspaper -  just look at the pictures...)

I had a couple of thoughts.  The programme itself was called "The Most Annoying People of 2009".  Well, now - newsflash!!!! - you are only annoyed by people if you let them annoy you.  It's like picking at a scab.  DON'T DO IT!  Shimple.

Number 2: I only saw the top six.  And frankly they were mentally ill and I will stand up and defend myself in court on that one.  I promise.

Some were not properly mentally ill, just the sort of toddlers that will do ANYTHING to demand attention.  A couple of them "had jobs in the media". I.e. they thought they exploited the media for their own gain (mentioning no Berry Batona or BOREDOM (pronounced "£ordan".  Others were, like Susan Boyle.  And "Jedward".  Hopefully that is such a small noun that no-one will notice.  And not sue me.

DICTIONARY:  "Jedward: a man's  impotent member.

                   CONTEXT: "Oh my God, love, are you all right? Jedward's looking a bit bashful tonight.""

Number one annoying person of  2009 was  Jordan whose career is f*cking up in public  and making money from it:  i.e: having the mental age of a 16 year old who hates her mum and dad with a vengeance.  She could learn a few lessons from working in Tescos - such as: stop drawing attention to yourself and just put those cans on the shelves and then we will pay you...

In short:  if you don't want them to annoy you, don't give them the satisfaction of  looking.  Do yourself a favour and turn the other cheek.  Your ulcers will thank you in the long run.

MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR! xx

SPRINGHEELED JACK STRIKES AGAIN

Just a little festive thankyou to the t*thead who decided to break into my mother's car last night.  You are an *rsew*pe who obviously has nothing better to do than opportunistically break into cars and ransack the glove compartment.  Perhaps it is compulsory, a form of Turette's for thieves and you cannot help yourself when presented with an opportunity.

What I don't understand is how a f*ckwit  like you made it across the black ice that the car was parked on, since in order to leave it where it was I and my mother had to tie each other together and virtually belay each other across to the pavement.  Either you are a fantastic former Olympian speed skater with burglarising tendencies (God bless America for inventing another stupid word), or, as I prefer to believe, you are a:

blackhearted, evil, beetle-browed SH*T with long pointy legs and a Victorian top hat who springs into action and then bounds away laughing like Vincent Price on the Thriller album.

You didn't get anything though, because we ARE NOT STOOPID.  Leave anything worth stealing in a car? You must be joking.  Oh, by the way, thanks for leaving the window wide open on a night when it was p*ssing down with rain.  Really appreciate that little touch you thoughtful thieving g*t:

"Wa ha ha haaaaaa, now their car will smell of damp dog for the next four months.  They will only be able to drive by miraculously levitating their bum 2 inches above the wet seat. I am a spiteful genius! HA ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

THE CAT THAT WANTED TO BE THE VIRGIN MARY IN THE NATIVITY PLAY

PHONE APP TO KEEP TRACK OF XMAS DRINKING

The government are thoughtful.  I opened my laptop this morning to find that they have developed an application for your phone which will track how many drinks you have over Christmas.

Well, what a miraculous invention.  It will calculate how many units you consume, and give personalised feedback on your habits.  Drinking habits, I hope.  Not picking your nose or scratching your belly button - as a tinny, Stephen-Hawking-type voice screeches out: "You are unhygienic and disgusting!" in front of someone you are trying to impress.

However, this miracle is not what it seems.  It relies on the user to input how many drinks they are consuming as they consume them.

Has the inventor of this gadget actually watched any drunk people?  One by one, they lose all their faculties, which, in its early stages, is quite amusing and is actually the point of the drinking exercise.  Many people are going to wake up the morning after with a mouth that feels like a birdcage bottom, check their phone and discover to their delight that they only consumed 3 units of alcohol the night before and a message that says: "Congratulations, you have the liver of a 6-month old."

Let's be honest, the only people who will have the wherewithal to operate this device are people who don't have a drinking problem.  The people who have will be none the wiser.