Saturday, 27 June 2009

NEVERLAND - THE NEW GRACELAND

It's the story of the mimmenium, folks. A really, really famous person has died. Cue lots of confused and stupid people crying in the streets and the media clambering over each other to film them and get that soundbite.

My favourite soundbite is of the girl outside the hospital, hysterically crying: "I'm so confused, I don't know who to trust right now..."


Doesn't that sound like the reaction you might have when your entire family has been needlessly and suddenly murdered for no apparent reason? An earthquake survivor perhaps, or someone involved in a "terrorist outrage"?

Well, this girl has just heard that Michael Jackson is in hospital.


I think the world might be over reacting just a tad. We didn't know him, we didn't own him - well, some people owned his records. As a race we would all be lying if anyone said they didn't know one song by him that set their toes a'tapping. But does that give people the right to behave like their world has ended?

This is public grief on a scale unprecedented since Princess Diana's sudden death, and I found that distasteful and hypocritical also.

We must prepare ourselves for what crawls out of the woodwork in the coming months and years. Giant mountains of paperbacks purporting to tell the "truth" about life in the Michael Jackson camp by people who never got past the gates. Unfinished recordings by Jackson released by people claiming to know this is what he would have wanted - the mediocre hummings waiting to be turned into masterpieces that will now be forever lost to the mists of time. Tabloid interviews with the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker - or in Jacko's case: the surgeon, the bleacher, the vitamin-injector...

Once again, an unhappy man with too much power and a refusal to listen to advice dies an addict, virtually alone at the mercy of conniving "yes" men, quacks and leeches.

The real tragedy in all of this is that three innocent children were brought into this freak show when all else was failing and Jackson needed to look like a family man. Instead of passing on his Peter Pan philosophy of childhood being an endless wonderful dream, he has brought these children nothing but pain and confusion, which is, in the end, all Jackson seemed to know himself.


Friday, 19 June 2009

IF GOD WANTED US TO FLY, HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US WINGS...

So yesterday a pilot actually died whilst physically flying a plane between Holland and New York. He actually died. Now, that is a very serious story. I hope they checked. He may have just been very, very stoned.

Knowing the press these days and their headlong chase for ratings, the pilot may just have had a headache. Nice to know the co-pilot actually earned his money though.

- What on earth did they do with him?

- "Get his foot off the pedal, get his hand off the steering column, we're on our way into the sea..."

- "I don't want to touch him, I've got a thing about dead bodies..."

- "This is your co-pilot speaking. And as we bank and dive at 700 miles an hour, on the left you can see - the reflections of your terrified faces in the water...Soon the stewards will be passing through the cabin with a range of luxury gift items and scratchcards - right, jam him into the trolley, we'll put him into the toilet..."

- BING BONG!!!

- "Stewardess, what did he just say?"


Thursday, 11 June 2009

PANDEMIC ALERT

Today, we are officially on a Level 5 pandemic alert. The WHO organisation (run by Doctor Who himself, no less) has advised this. H1N1 is now extremely risky indeed.

All I want to know is: when do I go and buy a gun?

Do I have to wait until there are bodies in the streets? People with H1N1 clawing at my front door? "Let us in...please let us in...We won't sneeze, honest..."

Thursday, 4 June 2009

BIG BLATHER

It has begun.

The tedious three month, brain-numbing experience of watching morons talk drivel and whinge and whine about their ridiculous, headlong chase for 15 minutes of fame. I would rather have my fingernails pulled out slowly, one by one while Hazel Blears and Anne Widdecombe duet to "Islands in the Stream". These non-entities who have absolutely nothing worth boasting about with their huge, sick egos and their tiny, miniscule talents, I have enough trouble avoiding these people in the pub without inviting them into my house every night at 9.00 to see who does what to whom, with what and for how long.

These are people I would not piss on if they were on fire, and the entire country is coerced into wasting money voting for their favourite, not realising of course that the entire programme is edited and rigged so that the person the Big Brother team want to win, well, wins. Big Brother makes headlines. It provides jobs for people in the media who would otherwise be unemployed because they cannot string two sentences together, but they can voice an opinion about the antics of some pea-brained freaks. The papers make money from these stories, magazines make money from these stories, the bookies make money, everyone's a winner!

And where do they get the audiences for the live broadcasts from? Are they paid lots of money and bussed in. or do they actually go there of their own free will?

I can feel my brain closing down, cell by cell, tissue by tissue. By the end of summer, I won't remember my own name, but that's ok, because I will know the winner of the most pointless waste of time in the entire world. Thank God guns are illegal in Britain...

Roll on the day I can afford to go to a desert island for three months every summer and talk to the trees...

To paraphrase a genius: 'Tis all sound and fury, signifying nothing.