RUSSIAN TECHNOLOGY

Last week a wonderful satellite tv documentary was dug out from beneath piles of film/DVDs/memory sticks/whatever they use nowadays (witchcraft I believe) and broadcast on a documentary channel.  Absolutely typical of broadcasters in these times, the intriguing title: "Tank on the Moon" bore absolutely no resemblance to what was actually screened. There was, and still to this day is no tank on the moon.

It concerned the space race in the 1960s to successfully land a man on the moon by the end of the decade, but not from the point of view of the West.  Oh, no.  This documentary was concerned with the Russian effort.

What an effort it was!  For reasons I couldn't quite fathom, the Russians became concerned with landing unmanned vehicles on the lunar surface, thus practically guaranteeing their failure - unless they'd misheard the speech, or rushed off early to get an extra 1/2 an hour head start...

The title of the documentary referred to the fact that the Russians went to their WWII tank designers to come up with a suitable traction device.  This turned out to be caterpillar tracks without the tracks.  Or wheels, as they are better known.

The Russians would have been the first ones to have their technology reach the moon if their only lunar vehicle hadn't gone up in smoke as the rocket that propelled it up there exploded after launch.  They eventually got there, after the Americans had been and gone, and, boy, was their design a masterpiece.  After years and years of tweaking their technological wizardry and keeping their boffins up all night, what did they come up with?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a solar-powered toilet on wheels! 

SHAMU, SHAMU, WHAT ARE WE TO DO WITH YOU?

At this very moment, somewhere in Florida, an Orcinus Orca is bobbing up and down in a tank, oblivious to the fact that he might soon become 50,000 cans of sushi.  I write of course, about Shamu, the Killer Whale who made the headlines this week for killing his trainer.

Excuses are being made for this act.  One is that "whales don't know that humans can't hold their breath as long as whales can." Another includes the convoluted theory that his trainer's pony tail caught his nose, and to have the nose brushed or tapped is a command to grab, so Shamu did.  However, it is not a command to inflict "multiple traumatic injuries" and drown someone, which is what happened next.

Turns out that this is the third time Shamu - or Tilikum, to give him his proper title - has killed someone.  Or the "third time he has been involved in a human death" as one website put it, no doubt trying to take the edge off.  

SHAMU'S RAP SHEET:

• 1991: at Sealand of the Pacific in Canada, Tilikum is one of  3 whales that kills a trainer during a show.

• 1999: found swimming with a naked man wrapped around his dorsal fin when employees arrived at work in SeaWorld, Florida.  It is believed the man hid in the park so that he could swim with the 5 tonne whale after closing time.

•  2010: inflicts multiple injuries to and drowns his trainer at "Dine With Shamu" event in Seaworld, Florida.

Now, I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, but methinks the name KILLER WHALE might be an itty bitty clue as to the nature of these beasts.  Pods of Killer Whales migrate to Monteray Bay in California to attack Grey Whales, which are larger than they are.  They have even killed a Great White Shark.  They hunt Blue Whales - the largest creatures on Earth.

SeaWorld in Florida has stayed open.  Tilikum will not be put down "and may even perform again", according to some sources.  The problem is, he draws a crowd, and a crowd on holiday and their money are soon parted.

By the way, all performing killer whales in America are known as "Shamu".  I am not sure why.  I think it is Native American for "they do taste like chicken"...

HERE ENDETH THE LESSON

There was a disturbing poll doing the rounds in Sunday's news - mainly because there is no news on Sunday other than sport.  "Everybody's at home either reading a massive newspaper or trying to plasterboard a ceiling" doesn't make a great headline.  So broadcasters have to go for things that during the week no one would even have the time to consider because they are busy.   On Sunday, people have time to ruminate on things and wind themselves up into a frenzy, so the news media chooses something suitable and runs with it.  This weekend the news consisted mainly of a poll that claimed that just over half the women polled agreed that rape victims "asked for it". 

What sort of a question is that in a modern civilised society?  That certain women deserve to be raped?  That certain men just can't help themselves, they just have to rape women who are drunk or dressed provocatively?  I sometimes think the human race has stopped evolving  and is actually regressing as the functioning parts of their brain shrink until soon all people will be able to do is grunt "more beer" and jab at remote controls with over-sized thumbs.

There have been too many tabloid tales of girls crying wolf, of footballers being lured into "situations".   - By the way, it is not difficult to lure a footballer into a "situation".  Ten pints of lager and the promise of a good time will do the job nicely.  -  The trouble is, a claim of rape is being used more and more by certain women who believe they are not getting their own way - although what they do want I have no idea...  It is time more women went to prison for crying "rape" when it is patently untrue.  Such allegations can destroy a innocent man's life.

Let's get one thing clear here and now:  RAPE VICTIMS NEVER ASK FOR IT.  

IF A MAN CANNOT SHOW SELF-RESTRAINT IT IS HIS PROBLEM, NOT THE PROBLEM OF EVERY WOMAN IN SOCIETY.

Where will we end up?  With all women wearing burqas so that just their eyes are showing?  And still getting raped? (although, granted, it would take a bit longer).   Because rapists rape, that's all they are interested in.  They don't care how a woman is dressed or what she looks like, they are simply looking for an opportunity to get their end away in as violent and aggressive way as possible.

I am not a violent person, but sometimes logic needs to be entered into people's brains the old-fashioned way: a statement repeated over and over while being emphasised with a piece of two by four to the temple...

WHO CRIED FIRST, CAMPBELL OR BROWN?

Brown recorded an interview and became emotional about his late daughter on Saturday.  Campbell "cried" on Sunday on the Andrew Marr show when interviewed about Tony Blair.  OK... 

Alastair Campbell is a master of twisty-turny spin.  He cannot be trusted full stop.  This is a man who suggested how to reword intelligence dossiers in order for the UK to follow America into a war with Iraq.  This is a man who published his diaries from that period  - and then admitted that he had rewritten some of the entries.   A compulsive rewriter methinks...

A quick google of Alastair Campbell reveals that he was born in Yorkshire and raised in Keighley for the first eleven years of his life.  Is he seriously expecting the viewing public to believe that a Northerner nearly cried on telly over the treatment he and his Southern softie mate continue to receive for conning the country into an illegal war?  This is a man who slithered into the Channel 4 news studio unannounced to pronounce his piece against BBC journalist Andrew Gilligan at the height of the Iraq dossiers scandal.

  A Yorkshireman would rather chew his own arm off than let anyone see him cry...My own feelings are that Campbell would spin his own grandmother  before he took the rap for anything.  He's a fighter, not a lover.

I cannot believe that serious political issues have been reduced to a crying competition  - BETWEEN TWO MEN.  Haven't we come a long way in the 21st century?  Talk about equality of the sexes...

DOHERTY SCHMOERTY

Worlds that encounter Pete Doherty's orbit are destined for doom, it seems.  

A man falls to his death in suspicious circumstances.  Someone making a documentary about Doherty dies of a drugs overdose.  Column inches are dedicated to how this could happen, why has this happened, Doherty the tragic shambling  figure, attracting terrible events wherever he turns - it's so disgusting/sad depending how far towards the liberal one leans.

Well, no worries.

I personally think the Grim Reaper is so desperate to add Pete Doherty to his list that he is just swinging his scythe wildly in an attempt to catch the singer in its arc:  ""This should be easy..."  WHOOSH!  "Shit!  Missed!"  WHOOSH!  "Shit, missed again!"

GOD'S VOICE: Kevin, how long is this going to take?  I've finished cooking up all the gear...
I thought you said he had a death wish?

STAND-UP COMEDY PSYCHIC

I was unfortunate enough last night to have hundreds of television channels to choose from and nothing to take my fancy.  It was a toss-up between a white man in Kenya who had managed to shoot a poacher in the buttock and kill him (allegedly), and the subsequent search for justice, or a psychic on a tour of Britain.  God forgive me, I plumped for the psychic - and nearly gave myself an apoplectic fit.

Naming no names, this person has taken psychic tomfoolery to a whole new level.  They're not even an excellent "cold reader".  For those of you not in the know about cold reading, it's how Derren Brown can guess someone's name, letter by letter, just by observing their minute facial responses.  I believe he also uses a touch of witchcraft, but I am going off-topic...

It turns out a certain section of society take one look at this person's face and give their life story.  The first rule of having a reading is just to say "yes" or "no", so that it is the psychic who gives the information,  not the individual.   However, on this show, the individuals were so pleased to be chosen, they would just spill: "Yes, my aunt, whose name was Brenda, did give me a piece of jewellery,  she gave me a necklace - she told me to do whatever I liked with it and I sold it on the internet.  Is she angry with me?"  

This medium's job was not difficult.

The medium actually managed to inject a certain stand-up comedy stylie into their patter, all the while declaring that death should not be a morbid subject.  I have to say, I found the whole 10 minutes that I managed to watch quite distasteful and utterly disrespectful to the audience and to their relatives.  

Never before have I watched someone literally laugh all the way to the bank.

No names have been mentioned for fear of litigation...