The government are thoughtful. I opened my laptop this morning to find that they have developed an application for your phone which will track how many drinks you have over Christmas.
Well, what a miraculous invention. It will calculate how many units you consume, and give personalised feedback on your habits. Drinking habits, I hope. Not picking your nose or scratching your belly button - as a tinny, Stephen-Hawking-type voice screeches out: "You are unhygienic and disgusting!" in front of someone you are trying to impress.
However, this miracle is not what it seems. It relies on the user to input how many drinks they are consuming as they consume them.
Has the inventor of this gadget actually watched any drunk people? One by one, they lose all their faculties, which, in its early stages, is quite amusing and is actually the point of the drinking exercise. Many people are going to wake up the morning after with a mouth that feels like a birdcage bottom, check their phone and discover to their delight that they only consumed 3 units of alcohol the night before and a message that says: "Congratulations, you have the liver of a 6-month old."
Let's be honest, the only people who will have the wherewithal to operate this device are people who don't have a drinking problem. The people who have will be none the wiser.
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