SEVEN SIGNS THE APOCALYPSE IS CLOSER THAN YOU THINK (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

• Katie Price becomes a nun.

• Simon Cowell opens an orphanage for disadvantaged children and doesn't make them sing songs for his record label.

• Prince Phillip says something civil to a person of ethnic origin.

•  Someone English wins a sporting contest, just once.

•  The Daily Mail stops frightening its readers with tawdry horror stories.

•  Cats and dogs start living together in perfect harm-o-neee.

•  Heather Ayrton gets laid.